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If a guy is picked up for stealing human hearts from a morgue is that a cardiac arrest?
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Is doublemint chewing gum the result of a cloning expearmint?
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At the landfill, they were thinking of building a fitness center; they're calling it "SOLID WAIST."
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A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the doctor, "A man is out here who says he is invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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Yesterday I talked to a man so ignorant of Eastern religions that he thought a karma was the bottom part of a semi-colon.
No, No, No! The colon is part of the bottom, and a semi is like a karma, but lots more wheels.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
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The other day I saw a man with a wooden leg, ... and a real foot.
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When I woke up this morning my wife asked, "Did you sleep well?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
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I was walking down the street when all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses expired.
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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend all evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
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I finally managed to get some powdered water, but I do not know what to add.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking: if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I went to the General Store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he ever just whipped out a quarter?
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? ... I don't get it.
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What is another word for Thesaurus?
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Why to ballerinas always stand on their tip-toes? Why don't the producers just hire taller dancers?
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I was hitch-hiking and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far."
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I had a friend who was a small claims court jester.
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{Of a glass of water} I mixed this myself ... two glasses of H, one glass of O.
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I hated a friend's dog, so I put little contact lenses on him with pictures of cats. He chases crazily everywhere now.
Then I took one out, and he ran in constant circles. I threw him a boomerang to catch.
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I met an older woman the other day wearing pierced hearing aids.
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I know a guy who has one of those circular driveways. He can't get out.
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I bought a blank tape the other day. Then I went home and put it on my stereo and turned up the volume to full blast.
Soon there was a knock at the door. My obnoxious neighbor was there to complain. ... He's a mime. ... So I used a silencer.
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I went to a toy store and asked to see the toy train schedules.
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While driving the other day I saw a sign: "Next rest area 25 miles." Wow, that's pretty big, I thought. A lot
of people must get tired around here.
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Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
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Snakes have no arms. That is why they do not wear vests. My grandfather told me that. He also made me stand in a little
room, face the door and be absolutely silent for three minutes. We had to do it every day. He called it elevator practice.
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The only reason I exist is because my shadow needs something to do. I fired my last shadow: it wasn't doing what I was.
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I was walking in the woods and saw a rabbit by a candle making shadows of people on a nearby tree.
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My friend has a big chest full of all the erasers from all the world's golf pencils.
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My friend was arrested for counterfeiting pennies. He got the heads and tails on the wrong side. He's in a minimum security
prison: he wears a whiffle ball and chain.
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Hermits have it easy; they have no peer pressure.
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There is a fine line between fishing and standing in cold water up to your hips looking like a jerk.
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My friend has an answering machine on his car phone. It says. "I'm at home just now. I'll call you back when I'm
out."
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I live on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.
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I made some wine the other day from raisons ... so it would be automatically aged.
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I stopped at a tourist information booth and said, "So, tell me about somebody who visited here last year."
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I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small.
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I bought a decaffeinated coffee table last week. You can't tell by smelling it or looking at it.
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This kills me: sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how much water would be there if that was not so.
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It is hard for me to buy clothes: They don't have my size. I am extra medium.
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It doesn't matter what temperature a room is. It is always room temperature.
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What if birds were tickled by feathers.
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On an application form where they ask who to notify in case of an emergency, I always put "the doctor." What
could my mother do anyway?
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I wanted to get a whole-body tattoo. ... of me. ... only taller.
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I bought a second-hand diary the other day.
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My girlfriend asked me if I could know how and when I would die would I want to know.
I said, "No."
She said, "Well, forget it, then."
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I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I would be out. I said, "The whole time."
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