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Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people
are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman
theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Sew
anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the
surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms
for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip
Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Publicly investigate
just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin
all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of
orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all
your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together
tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells,
Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible,
skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer
song.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
Leave your turn signal on
for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by
tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Name your
dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply
to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie
parts back in the tray.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely
handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Follow
a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making
presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name,
and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm
speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask
the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on
the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your
feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never
break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Give
a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone
is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
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