#1

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

#2

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: .............................  24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ...................................  66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ...........................  67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:  26,911 words.

#3

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.  The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right.  I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct.  Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct.  And make sure you don't go through the front doors.  We have them locked.  You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right.  How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI
agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right.  Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?  We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: You must be crazy!

*Click*

#4

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard.  He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about various chain saws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of-the-line model.  This chain saw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the
trees.  After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit.  He thinks there is something wrong
with the chain saw.  "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself.  "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw.  "The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.

I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to
himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem.  The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,
removes the chain saw from the case.  The dealer says,

"Hmm, it
looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chain saw, to which the man responds,

"What's that noise?

#5

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to
a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
an accountant.  "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train.  The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that).  When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

#6

On break from college, this guy goes to visit his grandmother
and he brings a friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
chomping away at the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and
finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,

"I'm sorry that I ate all of your peanuts Granny."

Granny replies, "That's Ok, I'm glad you enjoyed them sonny...
since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em!"

#7

***NOT LAUGHING CAN HURT YOU***
                     
A man tried to keep from laughing when a woman released a
"gasser" during a eulogy at a funeral.  He held his breath
which caused him to pass out...fall off his chair...and bang
his head on the floor.  Ambulance attendants interrupted the
solemn ceremony as they rushed in to whisk the man to the
hospital.